I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
