Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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