I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
