found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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