Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need water and some morals
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
