Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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