Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
