This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
