i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
