You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
