just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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