Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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