he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
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