I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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