Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
