Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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