After last night, I could never be a politician.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
