I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
