if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
