You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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