when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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