Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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