I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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