don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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