I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
