Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Ketchup is God's man juice
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
