Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
