You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
