You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
