Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
