Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
