i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
