Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
