running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
