You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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