after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
