Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
