someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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