I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
