I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
