I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
