Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
