Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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