Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
