did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Randomize
