I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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