There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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