i already hear my dad disowning me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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