The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
