my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
