So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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