dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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