On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
