I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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