some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
