I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
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