What did we do last night that was yellow?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
