Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
