My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
