Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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