P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
