i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Damn victory sex feels great
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
