Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
