I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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