I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
