he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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