I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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